3 Reasons Why Being a "Bad Friend" may not actually be a "Bad" Thing
“YOU ARE A BAD FRIEND”, is what I was told during a very interesting phone conversation. “YOU ARE A BAD FRIEND!”, was sad quite a few times as if this person wanted to be very clear in her feelings about me. “YOU ARE A BAD FRIEND!” was said so clearly, and with such deep conviction in her heart. Surprisingly, I had a very simple response. I said it in the softest and sincerest way, “I agree”. Yes! I did agree, and wholeheartedly! I’ve always known this and I was actually trying to figure out why she was just now figuring this out after so long. Hearing those words ring in my ear from the other end of the phone was quite comforting, because at that point, I no longer had to pretend. I know longer felt the pressures of trying so hard to being a good friend anymore. Now it’s out in the open for the world to know that, I’M A BAD FRIEND!!! But before you go judging me, girl, let me give you a few reasons why I am justified in saying this.
Minimalism works for relationships
Have you seen the show Tidy Up? Families reach out to a woman by the name of Marie Kondo to help better organize their homes. When ever someone is having a difficult time figuring out whether they should keep and item or throw it away, she always asks, “Does it spark joy?” If that item no longer sparks joy then she recommends throwing it away or donating it. My personal saying is, “If it doesn’t add value to my life, then I don’t need it”. I often use that same idea when it comes to relationships. It has changed the way I view things. If a relationship is not adding value to my life, then I need to cut it off. All relationships take work and they cause you to expend energy in some way right? So if I have X amount of energy, then I need to make sure that I prioritize what that energy gets put into. My energy is my currency! Okay, so check this out: I’m a married woman, with 3 children that I homeschool. Now that alone is quite the load! So with that being said, am I wrong for being very meticulous about where I spend my time and energy? My family is very important to me and they (my husband and kids) will always come first, period. There are times that life begins to feel chaotic and cluttered, like a boat about to sink. To lighten the load, guess what I start removing? The things that are not adding value! You may say, well, Kamry, what does a relationship not adding value look like? Let me give you some questions that I often ask myself to determine the “value” of a person in my life.
Do you feel at peace when around this person?
Does this person add to your value or pour into you spiritually?
Does this person possess the same values and morals as you?
Are you able to be your true self around this person?
Do you often feel the need to minimize yourself in order to make the other person happy?
Is this person helping you reach your goals?
If you answered no to any of those questions, then it’s okay to be a bad friend and chunk the deuces up just take a step or a few steps back from things. Girl It’s okay! You owe it to yourself! Which leads me to my next point…..
2. Self Care is selfish
Baby girl, you have to take care of YOU! Now i will admit, even though I love doing for others, I am a selfish person. I have to be! I have to take care of myself in order to be able to pour into my family as well as my dreams. Even if I wasn’t a wife or a mom, I’m selfish because I love me. I will never sacrifice my peace for anyone or anything that is outside of my obligations. The word “selfish” does have a negative connotation behind it, but shift your paradigm for a minute so you can hear what I am saying: SELF CARE IS SELFISH! Our mental health is so important and sometimes us women tend to sacrifice our peace for people in our life. This could be the case with friends, significant others, and family members. Hot bubble baths with candles, and burning sage with calming sounds playing on the speakers is nice and all. But, what good does that do if you are constantly surrounding yourself with toxic people or just bad relationships? That’s equivalent to you going to the hospital every time after eating food that you know you are allergic to. Even though the food tastes good, why in the world would you keep sending yourself to the hospital? Even though you have fun with a person sometimes, even though you’ve been friends for a long time, why continue to keep a person in your life that is causing you to have to rehabilitate after every conversation or hangout? That makes absolutely no sense at all! Sis, take care of yourself and be as selfish as you want to. At the end of the day, your peace of mind is what matters. If I have to be a “bad friend” to have peace, then so be it.
3. Growth brings better friends
Sometimes, you can just simply outgrow people and there is nothing wrong with that. God puts some friends in our lives for just a season, and maybe they aren’t meant to be there for a lifetime. A friendship that may have worked in high school may not be sufficient for adulthood. Sometimes when we are trying to move forward in life, and get to the next level that God is trying to take us, we began feeling stuck. It gets hard to move. Just as if you had on your favorite jeans from high school! Girl you know good and well you have no business trying to put them too little jeans on that you can’t even move in! They may have been good really cute Seven7 Jeans, or Baby Phat, Holister or Abercrombie, but why hold on to them when you can’t even walk in them? Now, I have gone out the house in some too little britches before, and guess what happened? I split my pants!!! That is what happens when you outgrow a relationship. Separation happens and it is so necessary. It forces you to go buy a new pair jeans. It forces you to find new relationships that are going to be more fitting and comfortable for where you are in life so that you are able to grow into your best self.
So, in conclusion, the person on the other end of the phone was correct! I AM A BAD FRIEND and I am proud of it. I could put it on a T-Shirt and scream from the roof tops, because I’m happy and at peace! I’m at peace with knowing that not everyone deserves my time. I still wish the best for all of the people that I’ve cut off or that I have outgrown because God also has a plan for them as well. I still have some great friends in my life, but not everyone can come to where God is taking me! If you have been feeling like a bad friend lately, it’s okay! Own it! Just because you’re a bad friend doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! As long as you are aren’t bitter and holding unforgiveness in your heart, be free and watch how much growth you experience! Find the courage to cut old friends loose and focus on being an awesome friend, daughter, sister, aunt, mother, or wife to the people that actually matter.